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FUNNIEST Teacher Jokes: Snappy Student Comebacks and Cheesy Quips for Kids

Funny Teacher Jokes By Jane Morris

Why did the teacher wear sunglasses when she came to class? Because her students were bright.

Heyyyooo!!! I’ll show myself the door. Actually, no I won’t! Because today, the topic is funny teacher jokes, and I got stacks on stacks.

However, I’ve mixed it up in this post. We’re not just covering jokes about school and a math teacher’s favorite dessert (it’s pi, btdubs – expect hip slang in this post too).

No, I’ve brought you jokes you can USE on your students. To school those little devils right into place with your overwhelming intelligence. Muahahahah.

Teachers got jokes too. And if they teach middle or high school, those jokes are bound to be as snarky and sarcastic as possible. It’s not that we try to be this way, but it’s a warzone out there! Whether they’re clean or dirty teacher jokes, quips, and retorts, you need to arm yourself to the teeth.

These are the funniest comebacks and jokes for teachers to prepare. And some of the cheesiest jokes about teachers too because why not!

It can’t all be misery, hey?

You’re going to need your daily dose to survive teaching!

Funniest Teacher Jokes and Clapbacks to School Your Students

Siiiiiiigh. We all hate those questions. The really, really dumb things students say to teachers that un a very fine line between totally sincere and intentionally irritating. E.g…

“Miss, can we watch a movie today?” (This is usually accompanied by a rigid hand shooting straight up into the air.)

I’m still not sure why students are so shocked when they get a sarcastic response from their teacher. “Damn, why are you so salty, Miss? I was just asking a question.” Yes, a really annoying one.

That’s why teachers keep a whole arsenal of dry and funny jokes to fire back with. Lock ‘n’ load, teacherinos…

Jokes About Homework and Classwork

Ahh, yes, all those excuses for not doing their homework. And all those questions about their homework too. Or, at least, questions about NOT doing it.

New teachers, pay attention. This is how you channel the irritation.

“What are we doing today?” Thanks for asking. Even though it is written on the board, I love explaining it to each student individually!
“Can we do this with a partner/in a group?” You mean, can you do this with a student who will do all the work and let you put your name on it out of intimidation? Not today, Satan
“Do I have to do this?” What are you really asking me? Is this worth points? Is this worth a lot of points? Am I going to comment about this on your report card? If you choose not to do this, will you still pass? There is no way in hell I am answering those questions.
“Do I have to answer all of the questions?” No, most of them are there just to make it look like we do stuff.
“Will there be an essay?” You’re only asking so that you can complain about it, so you’ll just have to wait and see.
“Can you give me all my missing work?” Even though all of the work is posted online every day, and all handouts are in the same location they have always been… sure! Let me save you the trouble and assemble all of that for you! I know you’ve been busy cutting class, so I really don’t mind.
Instructions are on the board, at the top of the worksheet and have been explained multiple times. Student looks up from their phone/takes out earbuds and asks, “What are we doing?” You better ask somebody else because I might get violent if I have to explain this again.

Jokes About Grades

There are a lot of reasons teachers are like judges. For one, an English teacher is like a judge because they both give out sentences.

But puns aren’t the whole story! With all the judging, grading, and squabbling about grades you’ll be doing as a teacher, you’re like a judge in more ways than one.

“Is this for a grade?” If I tell you that it’s not going to be graded then you won’t do it, right? So yeah, it’s for a grade.
“How much is this worth?” You’re trying to determine if you really have to do it or not, right?
“What’s my grade?” Hold on, let me pull up that grade book I keep in my brain that updates minute by minute…
Student hands in paper and asks at the end of the same class, “Did you grade my paper?” Seeing as how I have 150+ papers to grade, and I’m not a machine, no, I did not grade your paper yet.
“Why did you give me such a bad grade/fail me?” Right, this has nothing to do with all the ridiculous answers you put on you exam and all the effort you didn’t put into classwork. No, I exclusively grade based on how I feel about you personally. And I don’t like you.

Jokes About Tests

“Will this be on the test?” A teacher’s five favorite words.

I have one thing to say to that, Billy!

“Will this be on the test?” Most of what I say and most of what we do here is irrelevant. I just love the sound of my voice saying random shit. I promise if you ignore everything we do in class, Billy, you’ll still pass.
“Is this test open-book?” Has any test ever been open-book? If so, it either wasn’t actually a test. Either that or the teacher completely gave up on you.
“How many questions will there be on the test?” Whatever number I say, you will complain about. You will say it is too few or too many questions. So I’m going to say I don’t remember.

Jokes About Really Daft Questions

And now we’ve come to my favorite part. Some questions from students don’t even pertain to any category! They just sit in a realm of silliness all by themselve.

Let me tell you what teaching is really like. Clapping back at this nonsense! With the only tool available-

More nonsense.

“Are we gonna do anything fun today?” Fun? I don’t even know what that is. I purposefully make everything boring just to torture you!
“Can we watch a movie today?” Look, I would love nothing more than to get paid to show you movies every day. We watch them as much as we possibly can in an English class. But we have to do work sometimes or I’ll lose my job.
“Did I miss anything while I was out?” Of course not! We stopped everything and stared at the wall, anxiously awaiting your return.
“Do I have to put my name on it?” Of course not! I have memorized the handwriting of all 150 of my students just to save you the trouble of writing your name!
“Can I go see another teacher?” I want to say that you will miss part of my class, but I know that you will tell me that their class is more important, so just go.
“Are we doing anything today?” Of course not! We are going to do absolutely nothing, and it’s going to be amazing.
“Why do we have to do this?” Even though the powers that be make me post the objective of the lesson every day, and it is right in front of your face, I really, truly do not know why we are doing this.
“Can we have a free day?” I would love to give you a day to do nothing, and I can completely ignore you, but it is not really feasible. However, the closest I can come to this is to give you group work.
“Wait. What’d you just say?” I wasn’t listening.” I know they say honesty is a virtue, but in this case, you really should have gone with a lie.
“Do you have an iPhone charger?” If I did have one, and I was willing to lend it out, I cannot even fathom the chaos that would ensue. Although if I lent it on a first-come, first serve basis, perhaps it would be an incentive to get here on time? (A girl can dream, can’t she?)
“Can we have class outside?” Even if this were possible, and I wouldn’t be viewed as a hippie by admin, it is hard enough holding your attention in a classroom made of cinderblocks. If we add sunshine, the chirping of birds, and a gentle breeze to the mix, I fear you will be lost forever.
Student walks in ten/fifteen/twenty minutes late and asks, “Did you mark me late?” I see we are about to have the most insane argument there ever was. Or perhaps we are living in different space-time continuums?
“Do you have anything to eat/candy?” I would never randomly hand out candy or snacks because I would become the person to go to for free candy/snacks.
Seriously! There was one teacher who became known for his surplus of Costco snacks, and students would gather from all over to request snacks from him. He was one of the crappier teachers in the world, but the students all said he was their favorite because not only did he feed them, he did ridiculous things like make waffles in the MIDDLE OF MATH CLASS.
(Also, a student recently asked me for a snack. I took out four different types of granola bars, and she replied, “Eww. I don’t like any of those.” I won’t be offering anything anymore except knowledge and sarcasm.)

3 Snappy Teacher Comebacks to Students

Students seem to think they can say whatever they want to us without consequence, and they’re right. They don’t get in trouble for anything verbal at all, even a threat against a teacher’s life. With such a serious lack of accountability, student behavior just keeps on getting worse.

The only recourse a teacher has when a student is unbelievably rude or inappropriate is to be even ruder back. Just, in a much more intelligent way.

Prep some funny teacher jokes ready for the comeback, and then come back hard!

Comeback #1

Student: “Can I borrow $5?”

Teacher: “I don’t have any money.”

Student: “You should become a stripper. You don’t have to pay taxes and you would make more money than being a teacher. Plus, I’d pay to see that.”

Teacher: “Not if you don’t even have $5. Now get away from me.”

Comeback #2

Student: “Do you have any kids?”

Teacher: “Nope.”

Student (with a creepy wink): “I could help you fix that!”

Teacher: “I’m not interested in adopting you.”

Comeback #3

Teacher: “What do you think the character’s motivation was for-“

Student: “This book sucks.”

Teacher: “Well, maybe if you would actually read the book…”

Student: “Well, maybe if you would actually read my dick…”

Teacher: “Does anyone have a magnifying glass?”

15 Cheesiest Teacher Jokes for Kids

Just in case you are a teacher who came here looking for cheesy jokes to tell your elementary schoolers, here are some gems my own students have shared with me.

If you want some riddles to tickle the kids’s brains instead, you’ll have to have to look elsewhere. These are only the funniest teacher jokes to make your students LOL.

Caution: the cheesiness and weirdness is off the charts below!

What’s a pirate’s favorite subject at school? Arrrrrrr-t.
What kind of shoes do kidnappers wear? White Vans.
What’s a teacher’s favorite nation?? An expla-nation.
Why did the scarecrow win a Nobel prize? Because he was outstanding in his field!
Why can’t you ever trust atoms? Because they make up everything!
What do you call an old snowman? Water.
How many months have 28 days? All of them!
Why did the farmer ride his horse into town? Because it was too heavy to carry.
What did the ghost teacher say to the class? Watch the board and I’ll go through it again.
What did the banana say to the cat? Nothing. Bananas can’t talk!
What do Alexander the Great and Kermit the Frog have in common? They both have the same middle name!
Why was the mathematics book sad? It had too many problems!
Why didn’t the skeleton go to the school dance? Because he had no body to dance with!
Can February March? No, but April May!
Why were the teacher’s eyes crossed? He couldn’t control his pupils.

“Hahahah, That’s a Funny Joke, Teach'”

Okay, if you made it all the way to the end without vomiting from the cheese level of those jokes, I salute you! Your dedication to funny teacher jokes is truly remarkable!

These were teacher jokes for students and to be used on students. If you’d rather teacher jokes for adults, I have a whole post of spicy and dank memes about school and teaching too!

Otherwise, get out there and teach! But don’t do it without first doing your homework on how to dish out as good as you receive.

If you’ve had any moments of pure verbal carnage in class of the clapback kind, I want to hear about it! Let me know down in the comments below.

Or you can submit an anonymous secret to Teacher Misery for posting if it’s a dash more undiplomatic.

But then again, always keep it undiplomatic! Teacherinos, I want to see dim, lightless, and dreary classrooms out there.

From all the shade you be throwin’.

Jane Morris, Author

Jane Morris is the pen name of a teacher who would really like to tell you more about herself but is afraid she’ll lose her job. Jane has taught English for over 15 years in a major American city. She received her B.A. in English and Secondary Education from a well-known university and her M.A. in writing from an even fancier (more expensive) university. As a professional queen of commiseration turned published author, Jane’s foremost passion in life is to make people laugh.

She has written several highly acclaimed books unpacking the reality of teaching and life inside the school system. You can view her full library of works here.

Attention! Some of the links present in this article may be affiliate links. This means that if you make a purchase through the link, we might generate a small commission (at no extra cost to you!). Additionally, as an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases made through the links. All of this revenue goes back into Teacher Misery and the mission of improving it and the lives of teachers everywhere. As always, thank you for all your support! :)))

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FUNNIEST Teacher Jokes: Snappy Student Comebacks and Cheesy Quips for Kids